


I Can't Stand It

by natalia_alianova_romanova_01



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, han solo has POTS, shut up, yes this is a vent headcanon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28345971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalia_alianova_romanova_01/pseuds/natalia_alianova_romanova_01
Summary: After being frozen in carbonite, Han begins to notice some unsavory side effects.
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo
Kudos: 16





	1. Hibernation Sickness

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent post. I suffer from neurocardiogenic syncope and chronic low blood pressure. Han is one of my biggest comfort characters so of course he has to suffer in the same way I do. (POTS is a neurological autonomic nervous system disorder that results in abnormally high heart rate and sometimes even fainting upon standing. Other symptoms include dizziness, light-headedness, nausea, low blood pressure, poor circulation, cold extremities, chest pain, heart palpitations, chronic dehydration, and shakiness.)

Han sat in the waiting room, nervously bouncing his leg and inhaling deeply as he looked around the room. Several people of various species sat around the waiting room, some speaking alien languages to one another while others read the outdated magazines and tabloids provided to them. Han tried to avoid looking over at Leia, who he knew was looking at him with a characteristically concerned look. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly because she knew he hated outwardly expressing his fear and vulnerability. After all, he was Han Solo! A smuggler, a scoundrel, the captain of the Millenium Falcon! He was untouchable! Or so he thought. 

Over the past year, he’d been experiencing horrible symptoms since he’d been unfrozen. It was expected that he have some lasting side effects, especially since he’d been frozen for nearly 6 months. In fact, he was told by his doctor that he was lucky to have survived being frozen for that length of time. Being frozen in carbonite is a seriously dangerous and taxing procedure, even if it’s just for a 2-hour transport ride, let alone for 6 months. 

The hibernation sickness had lasted for three long, agonizing days. His vision was blurry and he was constantly cold and shivering. He couldn’t keep anything down, not even water. He couldn’t remember much about this time because he was mentally out of it for so long. Leia remembered every second, however, though she often wished she didn’t. Seeing him in such a vulnerable and miserable state drove her mad with panic. Due to her diplomatic upbringing, she was able to compartmentalize her fear and heartache and focus on nursing Han back to health. However, if anyone had to watch their true love vomit blood all hours of the night and shake so badly that their muscles began to tear, they would have some psychological scars from it. 

After a few days, his vision returned to normal and his body temperature regulated. However, his hands continued to shake chronically. Sometimes, Leia was concerned he was having a seizure with how badly his hands were shaking. Then, other symptoms popped up.

After the Battle of Endor, Han and Leia moved to Chandrila and Han’s health began to decline rather steadily. He couldn’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time and if he stood up, he was almost guaranteed to faint immediately. If he could manage to stand up and not faint, then his heart would begin to pound painfully in his chest for several minutes. His chest would suddenly ache and it would feel as if someone were trying to rip his heart out with their bare hands. 

He’d also noticed episodes where it felt like someone had drained him of all his blood. Light-headed, nauseous, and feeling as if he were on the very brink of death, he would have about 30 seconds to sit down before gravity took care of that for him. The first of these episodes occurred when he and Chewie were flying the Falcon to Columex to retrieve supplies for Leia. Noticing his vision begin to go black, he couldn’t help but feel panic rise within him as the memories of hibernation sickness began to flood back into his memory. He clutched the steering handle tightly and tried to focus on getting the coordinates correct. He began to feel light-headed and as if he’d just donated half his blood. Chewie growled with concern.

“I’m fine, Chewie, just feeling a bit under the weather is all,” Han mumbled, trying to blink away the light-headedness. 

Chewie growled again in protest. 

“I said I’m fine,” Han snapped. Feeling a sense of remorse rise in his chest, he looked over and solemnly said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at ya. I just haven’t felt very good lately is all.”

Han attempted to go back to typing in the coordinates but his hands began to violently shake, so much so that he could barely grip the steering handle. He stretched out his hands to get to them to work properly but it didn’t work. They still violently shook, no matter what Han’s brain told them. His chest began to ache terribly and it felt as if someone had sat on his chest. Feeling his heart begin to palpitate painfully, he inhaled deeply to try to make the pain dissolve. Chewie noticed this and loudly expressed his concern.

“I don’t know, Chewie, my chest hurts,” Han explained, trying to hide the fear from his voice. 

He tried to go back to what he was doing but he couldn’t ignore the growing pains in his chest. He heard footsteps from behind and felt Leia’s steady hands on his shoulders and jumped at the feeling. “Hey it’s me, tough guy,” she said in her characteristically light-hearted tone. His shoulders relaxed when he recognized her voice. “What’s goin’ on? What’s the hold up?”

“Sorry, we had some technical difficulties, we should be taking off soon,” Han explained with a shakier voice than he would’ve liked to have had. 

Leia leaned over his shoulder to kiss him on the cheek but then she caught sight of his face. He was a deathly shade of white and his eyes had a glazed look over them. Feeling panic rise in her heart, she exclaimed, “Han! Are you okay? You look terrible!”

“Oh don’t get so flirtatious,” he responded sarcastically.

“I’m serious! What’s going on?” she demanded with concern potent in her voice.

Chewie growled and explained that Han was in pain. Gasping, Leia shot a look at her stubborn husband and said, “You’re hurting? Get off this ship, right now! You can’t be flying if you’re sick!”

“I’m not sick, dear, I’m perfectly fine,” he responded calmly, shooting a death glare at Chewie, who shrugged in response. 

“Then why do you look like you’re on the brink of death? And why are your hands shaking like that? They haven’t done that since-”

“Don’t bring that up,” he snapped suddenly. He was taken aback at his own cruelty, for he hadn’t snapped like that at anyone in years. Feeling guilt rise in his chest, he softly said, “I’m sorry.”

Trying to compartmentalize her hurt feelings, Leia swallowed hard and said, “It’s okay.”

A moment of awkward and tense silence passed between them both. “Han, please, someone else can do this, just come back so we can take you to the medical wing and-”

“No! Let me be useful, Leia. I’m going to get those supplies for you.”

“Your hands are shaking and you’re in pain! It’s out of the question! Let me take care of you, Han,” Leia pleaded, feeling a lump form in her throat. 

“I don’t want to be a burden anymore. I want to be able to do things on my own, I have to be able to do things on my own. I’m tired of having people take care of me and ask about my health and worry about me. I just want things to be normal again,” Han blurted out, surprised that

he said everything that was on his mind. He’d been feeling this way since he first got unfrozen. He’d felt like a burden, like he was incapable. People had marvelled at the fact that he’d survived the carbonite freezing and that he was so...okay. They were surprised that he could walk and had perfect vision. Only Leia knew about the night terrors, shaky hands, and constant headaches. 

“Han, you’re not a burden. You’ve never been a burden. Not to me, Chewie, anybody. We love you and we want you to be healthy and okay. We don’t want you to risk your life every time you fly just to get supplies. Please let us help you, Han. Let us in,” Leia said in a soft tone. She placed her hand on his shoulder and looked at him with a soothing glance. She wanted nothing more than to grab his pain and sorrow and take it away from him. She just wanted him to be okay.


	2. Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia finally convinces Han to go to the doctor for his symptoms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a vent chapter. This is very medical, so if that kind of thing triggers you, I'd suggest not reading this chapter.

The acidic smell of bleach burned his nostrils as he waited in the room. He’d always hated the smell of hospitals or medical facilities. They smelled too clean and too pure for everything they represented. The juxtaposition between cleanliness and sickness was too much for him to bear and it made him wildly uncomfortable. Shifting in his seat and wincing at the pain signal his hip gave him when it happened, he sighed and just wanted this appointment to be over soon. He was growing impatient already even though they hadn’t been in the waiting room for that long. 

Leia, seeming to have been reading his mind, sighed and aggravatedly asked, “Well, is the doctor coming in or what? We’ve been in this medical wing for ages!”

“You read my mind, sweetheart, I want to go too,” Han responded, putting his hand on her knee. 

“I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. Just a little while longer and we’ll know what’s going on, hopefully,” Leia responded with more optimism and hopefulness than he was used to hearing from her. While she wasn’t a pessimist, she wasn’t exactly an optimist either. I think her hope is coming from a personal note as well. She wanted to know why her husband was in constant pain and why his health was rapidly declining for seemingly no reason at all. 

After an awkward and slightly painful silence, a light knock was heard at the door. They both jumped and a middle-aged blonde woman walked in wearing a stark white lab coat. She had a full clipboard in her hands and a lot of initials behind her name on her official-looking ID badge hanging on her ID badge clip that was in the shape of a vulptex. Her face was lively and she had a soft smile, which set them both at ease immediately.

“Hey! Are you...Han Solo?” she asked, double-checking her chart.

He cleared his throat and straightened his back and clumsily said, “Uh yeah, yeah I am.”

“Great! I’m Dr. Callista Varos and I’ll be taking care of you,” she said with a bright smile, bringing a wheeled seat towards her. She sat down and happily said, “Alright! So, tell me, what brings you in today?”

“Well, um, I guess I’ve just been having some…” Han stumbled over his words, not sure how to phrase what he’s been going through. When he thought about his health problems, he could go over each symptom and trouble in gritty detail. However, vocalizing these problems made him suddenly feel ashamed. Being forced to talk about how his heart would beat so fast that it would make his chest ache for hours or that his muscle pain would keep him up for several nights in a row made him realize how real it all was. Before, it was an intimate detail, a secret between him and Leia. But now it was a reality. Now this was something he was dealing with. Hell, it was serious enough for him to bring to a doctor’s office! The last time he’d been at a doctor was when he’d had Balmorra flu back when he was on Dantooine over 6 years ago!

“Some?” Dr. Varos asked with a chuckle. He hadn’t realized he’d trailed off and never finished his sentence. Feeling his face flush, he shifted uncomfortably and said, “I guess I’ve been having some pain in my back and hips and stuff.”

“Okay, what kind of pain? Is it a stabbing, aching, pulling, burning, or static-y pain?” 

“Stabbing sometimes but mostly aching, I’d say,” he responded quickly. 

“Alright,” she said, taking notes quickly as he spoke, “And does this pain increase with movement or activity?”

“Yeah…” he responded quickly, avoiding Leia’s looks that he knew were full of concern. 

“Alright, and how long has this been going on for, would you say?” 

“6 months,” Han responded, almost sheepishly. He felt Leia’s eyes on him and he could hear the lecture that was going to happen when they left the office.

“Alright,” Dr. Varos said, writing some notes down on her clipboard. The sound of the pen against the paper made him anxious for a reason he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Her immortalizing his pain made him feel really uncomfortable and he wished she wouldn’t take any more notes, even though he knew she had to. He wished she’d just remember the information and that it would be just between the three of them. No one else had to know what was happening to him. He wasn’t sure if he could handle that. 

“Right, and what all have you tried for this pain?”

“I was prescribed symoxin for the pain by a doctor at the medical wing when I went for a bad night of pain. I have also tried some over-the-counter pain medications but they don’t work all that well.”

“Okay, symoxin is a great painkiller for musculoskeletal pain like you’re describing. I’ll refill that prescription for you. It’s not habit-forming so we don’t have to worry about that…” Dr. Varos explained, writing a note on her clipboard, “Anything else?”

“Ice packs and heat, the usual things people say for pain relief,” he responded quietly, wanting this interaction to be over as quickly as possible. 

“Okay, thank you,” she said, writing more down in her notes. Han wanted nothing more than for her to stop taking notes about his misery. It made him sick to his stomach to think that someone will be able to access all that information with one click of a button. 

“Now I understand you’re also experiencing some cardiac symptoms as well? Is this all related to being frozen in carbonite or is the pain because of something else?” Dr. Varos asked, flipping through her notes. 

“I think they’re related because they started around the same time,” Han explained, looking over at Leia and seeing her concerned expression. 

“I see. Well, I’m going to conduct a physical exam and we’ll go from there, okay?” Dr. Varos explained. 

Dr. Varos examined Han’s body, which made him wildly self-conscious. He felt his face flush as she pressed into different muscle groups to see how they’d react. Feeling like a specimen under a microscope, he tried to think of anything else. Finally, after what felt like millenia, Dr. Varos told Han to sit down. She jotted down some notes and then looked at him, “You are exhibiting some classic hypermobile symptoms.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Leia interjected, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees.

“Hypermobility refers to joint laxity. Basically, it’s the scientific term for being ‘double-jointed’. However, when the joints are unstable, it can cause damage to the surrounding ligaments and tendons and cause chronic musculoskeletal pain. Your test results show that you most likely have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a genetic connective tissue disorder. I am going to write you a referral to a geneticist,” she explained, handing Leia a pamphlet that had information about this condition in it. 

Han heard these words but didn’t seem to quite absorb all the information. Chronic pain? Genetic disorder? Connective tissue disorder? No, this was something that he just needed to get over. Something he needed to will away. Maybe if he just stopped whining about it, then it would go away on its own. He couldn’t have a condition of any kind. That’s just plain absurd!

“Is there a cure for this?” Leia asked nervously, swallowing hard. 

“Not as of yet, no,” Dr. Varos responded uncomfortably, “There still is a lot of research that needs to be done about the condition. The treatment plan is also simple: physical therapy and pain management.”

Leia looked down at the floor with glazed-over eyes. She was trying to process everything that had just been said. “Why is he just now showing symptoms? It doesn’t make any sense…”

“Often times, people might experience frequent injuries as a child or might have issues in other areas, like eyesight, heart problems, et cetera. Sometimes though, chronic pain starts after an injury or accident causes musculoskeletal damage that can’t be repaired due to connective tissue issues,” Dr. Varos explained, not wanting to look at Leia or Han anymore because their concerned faces broke her heart. 

“So this is causing my heart problems?” Han asked hoarsely, not looking up at her. Looking the doctor in the eye would make it too real. He didn’t want reality to set in, not so quickly anyway. He was still hoping he’d wake up and this would all be one big, elaborate nightmare. 

Dr. Voras sighed and said, “hEDS is known to cause cardiac problems, yes. Connective tissue is found everywhere in the body, so this disorder affects every bodily system. I wouldn’t be surprised if you began experiencing other symptoms too, such as migraines, digestive problems, things of that nature.”

Both Han and Leia were completely silent. They never thought something like this would be the cause of his issues. They thought maybe it was psychosomatic and maybe some talk therapy might help. Han was hoping it was nothing and they could both go home and shrug it off as nerves or stress. Neither of them were ready to hear that he had a lifelong, incurable condition that would affect every part of his life and body. Han couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All his life, he’d lived as if he were invincible. He strove to make everyone believe that he couldn’t be hurt and that he certainly couldn’t be killed. He was Han fucking Solo! Nothing and nobody got to him and he was made of steel. Being told this information broke that illusion and the pieces came crumbling down over him. He began to feel weak, vulnerable. He felt like he was right back in Leia’s arms, fighting off hibernation sickness. 

“I’m going to give you a referral to a cardiologist. I have a strong suspicion that you are suffering from Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS. Your cardiologist will be able to schedule a tilt table test and explain it better to you,” Dr. Varos explained, handing Han a card that had the appointment details written on it. 

Dr. Varos wrapped up the remainder of the appointment by explaining to Leia the treatment plan as of right now. Han wasn’t supposed to do any strenuous activity, lift more than 40 pounds, and he was supposed to increase his sodium intake, drink sports drinks or coconut water, and he was supposed to wear compression clothing to prevent fainting. Leia wrote all this down and Dr. Varos told her that everything could be found in the pamphlets she was given. 

Han didn’t hear any of this, however. He was lost in his own little world, trying to rationalize what had just happened. He wanted to run away and never face these feelings ever again. He never thought his body could hurt and betray him like this. He never thought his enemy would be his own physical form. He also never thought that this would be his new norm: exhausted and in pain. He hoped he could swallow a magic pill and have the pain be gone forever. He yearned for the time in his life when he wasn’t consumed by pain, shakiness, or fatigue. He was never going to get that life back, however. He had to adjust to a new normal that he never thought was possible.


	3. Treatment Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han struggles with life post-diagnosis. He especially hates having to go to the doctor constantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a scene about a tilt table test, so if that will trigger you, please skip that part. Also, this chapter is absolutely a vent chapter.

“Han, just drink it, you’re being ridiculous,” Leia pleaded, growing impatient with her extremely stubborn husband. 

“If I have to drink one more bottle of freakin’ coconut water, I will fly off this planet and never come back,” Han declared with a deadpan glare.

Leia sighed and said, “Han, the doctor said this is a great source of electrolytes and you need to drink it, so please, just drink it.”

“I hate coconut water more than anything in the entire galaxy, I will literally die if I have to take one more sip of that stuff.”

“Oh stop being so dramatic, it’s good for you.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.”

“Just pretend it’s alcohol, then it wouldn’t be a problem for you, now would it?” Leia replied impatiently, pushing the bottle closer to him.

“I wish it was alcohol because then I’d actually have some pleasant effects from it.”

“Han, this might save your life, just drink it, for Pete’s sake!” 

“Fine!” he groaned, taking the bottle almost vindictively. He unscrewed the cap and took a sip, trying desperately to hold back a grimace as the bitter drink hit his taste buds. He tried to think of something else, anything else to distract himself from the terrible taste in his mouth. It wasn’t just the taste of the coconut water, it was everything it stood for. 

Yes, he hated drinking it because, to quote him, “it tasted like Bantha piss”. But he also hated drinking it because he had to drink it. And if there was one thing in the galaxy he hated, it was being told to do something. His whole life, he’d had what most adults would call “issues with authority”. Even if the authority had his best interest in mind - take the doctor, for example - his natural instinct was to rebel against it and do whatever his heart wanted to do. Right now, his heart wanted him to fly off this planet and forget everything to do with POTS, chronic pain, hospitals, and anything remotely medical. He didn’t want to think about treatment plans or follow-up appointments or specialists or medications. He just wanted to go back to being the Han Solo he always has been. He just wanted the life he’d had before any of this ever happened. 

\-------------------------------------

“Han, darling, wake up, we have to go to your appointment,” Leia said, putting a bobby pin in her hair so it kept its shape. 

He groaned from the bed and rolled over tiredly. It was far too early for him to be alive, let alone talk to a doctor about important medical issues. “Han, wake up! We’re going to be late!”

He threw the blankets off him and begrudgingly got out of bed. Rolling his eyes and huffing, he got ready and tried to make himself look presentable. He hadn’t had any caf yet and he could feel the headache forming in his right temple. His eyes felt heavy and his head felt heavier. Leia noticed how exhausted he looked and kissed him gently on the cheek. “I’ll get you some caf after the appointment, how does that sound?” 

He sighed, kissed her on the lips, and said, “Fine! You’re lucky you’re cute, ya know?”

She chuckled and got ready to leave the house for their next appointment. Han grabbed his things and put his jacket on, sighing yet again before leaving the house. He was tired of constantly going to the doctor and having appointment after appointment. It felt like he was spending more time in a doctor’s office than in his own home. He wanted some time with Leia, since they were still newlyweds. He also knew these appointments worried her and he hated seeing her worried or stressed out. He hoped this one would go by quickly and maybe they could finally get some answers. 

This was his cardiologist appointment and he was scheduled for a tilt table test, so maybe they could figure out what was going on with his heart. He tried not to think about the procedure too hard. Medical procedures freaked him out by nature, but it also didn’t help that he’d done his own research on this. People’s testimonies about this particular test didn’t paint it in a very good light. In fact, most people said this test was hell and that they felt like utter shit after getting it done. He tried to suppress his nerves but Leia knew he was nervous about this test. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as everyone said it was going to be. After all, he helped overthrow an empire, what could be scarier than that?

\------------------------

Tapping his foot nervously against the cold tile of the waiting room, Han waited impatiently for his name to be called. Leia squeezed his hand lightly and gave him a warm smile. This helped ease his nerves for a minute or two, because at least he wasn’t alone in this. A nurse walked out into the waiting room and said, “Han?” He and Leia stood up and went to the nurse. She looked at Leia and said, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait out here.”

“She can’t come in?” Han asked with a note of panic in his voice. The last thing he wanted was to go into this testing room alone. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle going in by himself. He was ashamed to admit the fact that he was afraid, but it was true. After all, being subjected to several tests and medical procedures isn’t a great thing to go through. It made him feel vulnerable, like he was nothing more than a guinea pig. Leia being there to at least give him a warm smile or hold his hand reminded him to be strong. She was the strongest person he’d ever met, after all. 

“I’m afraid not,” the nurse responded unemotionally, looking at her clipboard. 

“How long do you think it’ll be?” Leia asked.

“About an hour or so,” the nurse said, “Please come with me, sir, the doctor is waiting.”

“I’ll be right here when you’re done, sweetie,” Leia told Han, trying to remain calm. She also didn’t want him going in alone. She wanted to know what was going on and how he was doing. She wanted to make sure he was okay. Sighing, she sat back down in the waiting room as he walked back with the nurse. She knew he was going to be okay because he’d survived worse. She still worried, however. 

Han followed the nurse into a room that had a table with restraints on it, as well as a computer with electrodes coming out of it. The sight of these things sent him into an internal panic but he kept his composure. 

“Alright, please lie down on the table for me. I’m going to hook up these electrodes to you, along with this blood pressure cuff and heart rate monitor, okay?” the nurse instructed, setting down her clipboard and putting on gloves. 

He nodded and lied down on the table. She stuck several electrodes over his body and he felt strange about this. He felt very vulnerable with his shirt up and her attaching these things to him. He knew they weren’t going to hurt, but it was more the idea that he wasn’t able to escape should something go south. Inhaling sharply, he closed his eyes and tried not to focus on the fact that was attached to this weird computer and felt like a cyborg. 

“So, here’s how it’s going to go. We’re going to tie you to this table and then we’re going to tilt the table up so you’re basically standing. Then we’ll monitor your blood pressure for 45 minutes. If you don’t faint in those 45 minutes, we’ll give you a medication that will dilate your blood vessels and monitor you until you do faint,” the nurse explained. 

“So I’m going to faint no matter what?”

“Well, we’re kind of hoping you faint. We want to be able to measure your blood pressure when you do faint, to see if that’s the problem,” she said, walking over to where one of the restraints was. She grabbed it and pulled it across Han’s chest. This action made his heart seize as he was forced to remember being frozen in carbonite. That event was what caused all of this to begin with. If it hadn’t been for that damned Jabba the Hutt, then he wouldn’t even be in this stupid testing room, getting strapped to a table like a torture victim. 

Han sighed and closed his eyes, trying to think of anything else. She strapped him to the table and waited for a few minutes for the cardiologist to come. Once he did, he introduced himself as Dr. Sevghan and explained the test all over again. Han didn’t hear any of these words or pay attention to anything about Dr. Sevghan, in fact, he was trying his best not to remember anything about his surroundings. 

Dr. Sevghan said quietly, “We’re not supposed to talk, so as to not excite your nervous system. But please let us know if you feel ill.”

Dr. Sevghan turned the machine on and the table began to tilt forwards. Han felt like he was going to fall and he gripped a tight fist, feeling his fingernails dig into his skin. Upon standing, Han felt very light-headed and extremely nauseous. He knew these signs all too well. The nausea flooded his senses and his mind was racing at the thought of making it to the bathroom in time. His forehead became covered in beads of cold sweat, his body feeling a surge of heat. His head felt like it was floating away into the atmosphere and his vision was becoming blurry. Dr. Sevghan was watching this whole ordeal and was taking notes on it. Han was trying to fight the feeling of fainting; he didn’t want this stranger to see him like that. 

He was looking at Dr. Sevghan, trying with all his might to recover and not faint. However, his vision became blurry and there were suddenly two Dr. Sevghans. Feeling a knot of dread form in his chest, a curtain of black fell over him and his body fell limp.

He was awoken by Dr. Sevghan, who had put a cold compress on his forehead. The table was set back down, so he was lying on his back now. His body felt hot, but he also had nasty chills running up and down along his spine. He was shaking and his muscles felt weak, making him feel like a helpless child. His hearing was fuzzy, like they’d stuffed his ears with cotton. 

“He’s conscious, get his after-visit papers in order,” Dr. Sevghan instructed. 

Han suddenly felt a wave of shame and embarrassment overwhelm him. He hated that this stranger saw him in that state. No one other than Chewie and Leia had seen him like that, and he’d intended to keep it that way forever. Dr. Sevghan gave him several pamphlets about the condition he’d been diagnosed with: POTS. Han barely listened to what the doctor had to say, as his head was beginning to hurt and he was still waiting for the nausea to subside. Soon, he was given a small cup of water and was told to check out and schedule another appointment with the cardiologist. 

Han walked out into the waiting room, where he saw Leia. She quickly stood up and immediately noticed Han’s pale, sickly-looking face. “Are you alright?” she asked, feeling his forehead, “You’re burning up!”

“I’m fine, let’s just schedule my follow up and get out of here,” he grumbled, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. 

Knowing something was wrong, she nodded and scheduled his follow-up. In silence, they went back to the cruiser and closed the doors. She started the cruiser and began driving to the caf shop, hoping he was still in the mood to go. They sat together in silence for a few, agonizingly long minutes. Leia was waiting for Han to initiate, as she knew he didn’t like conversations like these. Finally, he sighed and said, “Can we just go home? I’m not feelin’ too well.”

She knew he was going to say that but it still hurt knowing he wasn’t feeling well. “Of course, hun, we’ll go home.”

Another few minutes of silence passed and he broke the silence by saying, “I hope you weren’t too bored in that waiting room.”

“I passed the time, it went by pretty fast. It surprised me when you came out after only maybe 20 minutes,” she responded.

“Yeah, it was quicker than they thought, I guess.”

“So they finally figured out what’s going on, I hope?”

“Yeah, it’s something called POTS. It’s an acronym for some long, complicated name. But essentially, it’s a nervous system thing,” he explained half-heartedly, not having the energy to explain further.

“Is there a cure or treatment for it? Did they say?” she asked, concerned.

“No cure, go figure. But the treatment is the same thing my first doctor said,” he responded. 

“Well, at least we found a name for it,” she said, trying to be optimistic. She didn’t want for it to be some condition that’s lifelong and incurable. But, she also wanted a name to what has been causing him so much pain and grief. Now they have a name for this cruelty, and somehow that was just a bit more comforting. 

\---------------------------

He and Leia were on the couch together, watching a movie she’d loved as a child back on Alderaan. She had mentioned in passing right after their marriage and he made it his mission to find a copy of this movie. After several months of asking around, whispered words, lots of money exchanges, and a few questionable favors, he finally found a semi-decent copy of this long-lost film. It was in Alderaani so he only knew a little bit of what was going on, but he watched it because he knew she loved it. 

He loved moments like this, not only because he was with Leia and they could be happy and safe together. He also loved them because it took his mind off everything else. He knew how much Leia was worried about him and he knew the toll it had taken on everyone else around him. It was nice to have a night, just one single night, when his mind could be taken off his own problems and could think about pleasant things. While his mind was still occupied by the test and results, he felt calmer because he was with Leia. 

He only focused on her and this moment. He wasn’t even paying attention to the movie because he couldn’t understand it anyway. The only thing that mattered was that Leia was here, even after all that had happened to them. Leia had stayed with him and was loyal to him. Even though he’d wanted to give up and even though he felt like he’d been nothing but a burden to her, she stuck around because she loved him. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that she loved him. Not his ship, not his stories, not his legacy, not even the dashing good looks he was convinced he had. She loved him, even with all these flaws and negative attributes. Even with his medical issues and nightmares and selfishness and unintentionally mean remarks and his overall coldness. 

He put his arm around her and she snuggled in the empty space. He looked down at her and lovingly said, “Thank you for being in my life.”

She looked up at him and with a warm smile said, “You should be thankful, you are very lucky to have me.”

He chuckled, “You’re right. Hell, I’d be dead right now if it wasn’t for you!”

“Damn right, and don’t you forget it, buster,” she laughed.

He smiled to himself and said, “No, but seriously, thank you for stickin’ around. Even through all this...whatever this is.”

She shifted so she could look at him better and asked in a serious tone, “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not a burden?”

“Until the day I die, sweetheart,” he replied with a smile.

“Honestly, you are not a burden! Your health issues are nowhere near your fault, do you understand me? This isn’t your fault. You being sick isn’t some karmic punishment. You don’t deserve sickness and pain,” she insisted, looking him in the eye with a certain intensity that emphasized her honesty. 

There was a moment of silence. He’d never heard anyone say something like that to him. He’d always associated any difficulties or hardships with a fault of his because he’d made so many mistakes in the past. He felt that he deserved anything that happened to him because of the wrongs he’d done in his youth. He wasn’t sure if he believed in a god, but he thought that maybe if there was one, that god was punishing Han for being a bad person. Or maybe in one of Han’s past lives, he’d done something terrible and now he has to pay the price. 

He felt hot tears form in his eyes and he blinked them away with shame. Leia noticed this and tenderly put her hand on his cheek. “I’m not going anywhere, Han. I’ll always be by your side, okay?”

He smiled, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He kissed her and held her tight, never wanting to lose this beautiful woman.


	4. Phonophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han suffers from his first migraine. He's forced to reckon with this new symptom, as well as his own demons from the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS HEAVILY ANGST!! This is honestly really sad and I was going through it when I wrote it. Also, I just watched Empire so yeah, extra inspo

Han slowly woke up, feeling the sun hit his eyes. As his mind became clearer, he suddenly noticed a sharp, throbbing pain in his left temple. He flinched as a wave of pain overwhelmed his nervous system. He hadn’t felt like this since his days of bar-hopping before he met Leia. Wondering how he could possibly be hungover, he tried to sit up but was overcome by a sudden wave of nausea. Feeling cold sweat form beads on his forehead, he decided it was best to lie down. His body felt drained of energy and it hurt just to breathe. 

He tried to go back to sleep but the intense pain prevented this. He didn’t know where this migraine came from, but he wanted it gone forever. He couldn’t go the rest of the day feeling like this! He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something other than the pain coming from behind his left eye. His tossing and turning woke up Leia, who immediately noticed something was off. “Babe, what’s wrong?” she asked, in a groggy voice, rubbing her eyes.

“Nothing, go back to sleep,” he responded, turning his back to her.

“I know that tone, come on, what’s wrong?” 

He sighed, knowing she was going to figure it out eventually. He had to turn back around to face her, as the sun was shining directly in his eyes and was making the pain exponentially worse. “My head hurts.”

“Do you think you caught something?” she asked, beginning to wake up more. 

“I don’t know, but it’s not fun, whatever this is,” he responded, closing his eyes again to try and block out the brightness of the sun. 

“I’ll get you some painkillers and cof, okay? The caffeine should help,” she said, sitting up and putting on her house slippers. She looked at him concern, which bugged him. He wasn’t annoyed by her, he was annoyed by the fact that he needed someone else’s concern. 

She left and he tried desperately to fall back asleep. He just wanted the sweet relief of sleep, but he had to give up. Sleep wasn’t going to happen. Soon after giving up, Leia came back to the room with a cup of cof and a bottle of painkillers. She handed him the bottle and the cup and put her hand on his forehead to check for a fever. “Han! You’re burning up! I’m going to get you an ice pack.”

“Leia, I’m sure this is just a headache, it’ll probably be gone in a couple hours,” he said, trying to downplay his pain as much as possible. Even though he knew it wouldn’t work, he hoped that maybe she’d believe him. Maybe he wouldn’t need any more help or assistance.   
\------------------------------

It was past lunchtime and Han hadn’t been able to leave the bed yet. His muscles felt weak and his energy levels kept getting lower and lower, even when he didn’t think that was possible. His vision was becoming blurry and his eyes hurt to the point where moving his eyes, even involuntarily, caused him significant pain. 

Leia walked into the room and asked, “Han, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, just tired,” he responded, pulling the bed sheet closer to his face. 

“You look terrible,” she said, kneeling by his side. 

He chuckled, “Gee, thanks, sweetheart.”

She sighed and said, “Oh you know what I mean. Now are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to get Chewie to tell me?”

“Chewie doesn’t know either, don’t feel left out,” he responded, trying to prop himself up on his elbows. He finally got himself up, but he was nauseous because of the motion. “I think I have a migraine but I don’t know why. I haven’t been drinking or anything, I mean you know that, you were with me all last night.”

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it, trying to let him know she cares. He received the non-verbal message. “I was doing some research on POTS and hEDS and it said migraines are very common for those conditions.”

“So...this is a thing then?” he asked, trying to mask the fear and dread that was in his voice.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” she responded calmly, “Let’s hope this is an isolated incident.”

“I hope this doesn’t become another thing to deal with,” he said bitterly, exhausted enough as it is by the chronic pain and fainting spells. The last thing he wanted added was debilitating migraines. A shockwave of pain shot through his head and into his left eye, making him wince. Leia saw this and wondered if there was anything she could do. There had to be something that could be done, right? 

“I’m going to read a bit more and see if there’s anything else we can try. Just try to get some rest,” she said, kissing him on the forehead. 

“Thank you, I love you,” he responded, appreciating all she’s done for him. 

He didn’t know if he could ever pay her back for all she’s done. He almost felt guilty for the amount of pain he was in and the amount of help he needed. He’d lived his whole life trying to be as independent as possible, never relying on anyone else. If he’d learned anything from his travels, it was that no one else could be relied upon. Leia was different though. She was loyal and reliable, something he’d never seen in someone before. He wouldn’t be surprised if Leia up and left him, finding someone who wasn’t in this much pain. 

He tried to get these thoughts out of his head and decided to try and go back to sleep. 

\--------------------------------

He was strapped into the machine, with Imperial officers surrounding him. The bright lights from above contrasted with the black tile of the walls and floor, hurting his eyes. He saw the exposed wires and needles sticking out of the machine and he felt his heart pound in his chest. He tried to grip the chair but the restraints kept him from being able to reach the back of the chair. The chair was leaning forward, slowly inching him toward the needles and electric wires. Beads of sweat on his forehead and he felt the growing need to crawl out of his skin. Vader laughed by his side, seeming to get pleasure from the terror on Han’s face. 

He finally felt the searing pain of electricity and burning on his face, wanting desperately for it to end already even though he knew it wasn’t going to end anytime soon. The pain continued, making him horribly nauseous. He felt a knot of terror form in his stomach as he felt his gag reflex being triggered. Right as he thought he was either going to vomit or pass out, he felt the needles enter his skin and a mysterious substance went into his muscles, making him more alert. He wasn’t able to even escape the pain by passing out. This addition to the device was Vader’s invention, cruel and heartless as it was. 

Han let out a scream that echoed through the halls of the building. He thought about the betrayal he’d suffered at the hands of Lando and wanted to rip him apart. He thought about Leia, hoping she wasn’t suffering the same fate as him. 

Han woke up and let out a shout, cold sweat covering his forehead. Leia ran into the room and asked if he was okay. Her voice seemed distant, like she was miles away from him. His body was trembling, something he’d never admit to. Leia held his hand as he calmed down from the nightmare. Finally, after several seconds of panic, he managed to ground himself and remind himself he wasn’t in Cloud City anymore. He wasn’t being tortured for fun anymore by Vader. And most importantly, he wasn’t going to be frozen in carbonite. 

“What happened? What’s wrong?” Leia asked, caressing his face and looking at him with gentle eyes.

He choked on the air in his lungs and clumsily said, “I was back in Cloud City...Vader had me...God, it felt so real…”

“Han,” she said, sitting down next to him on the bed, “You’re safe here. You’ve survived the worst of it. You can rest now, it’s over.”

“He didn’t even interrogate me...it’s like he did it for fun…” Han said, staring down at the bedsheet, trying to distract himself from the feelings being stirred up. 

“Vader was an evil man, Han. You didn’t deserve what happened to you,” Leia reassured, “I’m sorry you had to suffer at the hands of my father.”

“I’m not the only one who suffered, Leia,” he responded, not wanting to make his trauma a bigger deal than it was. What he didn’t realize was that his trauma was a big deal. 

“Don’t downplay your own feelings, Han,” she said, “What you went through was terrible! You deserve to feel this way, you were tortured.”

“Don’t say it like that, it sounds too…”

“Too real?” Leia asked, “I felt the same way when I lost Alderaan. I couldn’t accept it, it felt too painful to accept. It felt like something too horrible to happen to me. But I eventually had to accept that fact. I lost Alderaan and there was nothing I could do about it. You got tortured and frozen in carbonite and there was nothing you could do about it. It wasn’t your fault. And most importantly, you deserve to heal from this. Just like everyone else, you deserve to heal.”

Han felt hot tears form in his eyes and he couldn’t bear to look his wife in the eye. He knew it would make everything too real if he looked her in the eye. He’d tried his hardest for over a year and a half to ignore the way he felt. He tried to forget the Cloud City torture and being frozen in carbonite. With his symptoms starting and the nightmares appearing, he knew he couldn’t ignore these feelings anymore. Those events happened and they were going to affect him forever. It was time to face his trauma and chronic illnesses head on. He couldn’t run away anymore.


End file.
